She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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