i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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