My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.