my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.