Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
