I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
