Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
