If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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