Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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