Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
