I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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