First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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