YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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