god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
