The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
