Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
