Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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