Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
