I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
