Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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