Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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