Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
