If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
