This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
