i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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