dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
