I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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