When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
