I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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