I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
