i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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