i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
