Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
