an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
