Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
