She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
