I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
