so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
