I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
