Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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