why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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