Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We had sex on a dog bed..
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
