this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
