i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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