your parents love me but you hate me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
