yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
