Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
