i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
