Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
