dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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