he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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