He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
