I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
