i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
