Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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