I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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