Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
