You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
