Porn is love you can see.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
