im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The beer is more important than you right now.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
