Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
God, I missed his penis.
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