Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
