i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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