Yo dont text me then not text me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am available for nakedness
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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