I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
